Wikipedia:Peer review/Juwan Howard/archive1

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Juwan Howard[edit]

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This peer review discussion has been closed.
I've listed this article for peer review because I have added a lot of new content that could use a second opinion as it winds its way up the quality queue towards GAC and FAC.

Thanks, TonyTheTiger (T/C/BIO/WP:CHICAGO/WP:FOUR) 03:21, 26 May 2010 (UTC)[reply]

Finetooth comments: This looks comprehensive to me, well-illustrated, well-sourced, neutral, and stable. I have two kinds of qualms: (1) further proofing is needed to eliminate the last of the typos and small errors; (2) it would be good to explain or link technical jargon like "double double" to try to reach as wide an audience as possible.

Lead

  • "while starting a combined 304 of a possible 350 man-games" - I'm not sure what "man-games" refers to.
  • "Although most Michigan Wolverines men's basketball records from 1992–1998 have been forfeited due to NCAA sanctions, Howard's 1993–94 All-American season was not" - Recast since a season is not a record?
  • "he was traded at the NBA trade deadline twice to make salary cap room" - Wikilink salary cap?
  • "He last started over half of his games played and averaged over 30 minutes during the 2005-06 NBA season." - Suggestion: "He was a starter in more than half of the games in which he played in 2005–06 and averaged more than 30 minutes of playing time per game." This is more wordy but might be better understood by readers who don't know the game.

High school

  • "Entering his junior year, some sources listed Tom Kleinschmidt as the number one junior in the state." - Ambiguous. Suggestion: "When Tom Kleinschmidt entered his junior year, some sources listed him as the number one junior in the state."
  • "He had subpar performance against King High School in the Public League semifinals.[18] The Chicago Tribune named him as a second team All-State selection." - To avoid choppiness stemming from several short sentences in a row, perhaps you could combine these two, thus: "Although his performance was subpar against King High School in the Public League semifinals,[18] the Chicago Tribune named him as a second team All-State selection."
  • "After his junior year, he was one of ten Illinois player invited back to the Nike All-American Camp at Princeton." - Should be "players" rather than "player". At this point, I'll stop fixing or pointing out tiny nit-picky errors and simply suggest one more careful proofing to catch typos and their cousins.
    • I don't mind your nit picks. I am at peer review looking for any help you can offer. I am pretty sure this will pass GA, but with a good proof reader, it might have a shot at FA.--TonyTheTiger (T/C/BIO/WP:CHICAGO/WP:FOUR) 23:05, 3 June 2010 (UTC)[reply]
I'm glad to help in a limited way, but I don't have time to do a complete c/e or proofing. You might find a proofreader via WP:PRV or else trade proofing favors with another editor. I think you are right about GA, and I hope you can get this up to FA. Finetooth (talk) 05:27, 4 June 2010 (UTC)[reply]

College career

  • "excellent low post moves in the low post" - Recast to avoid repeating "low post"? Wikilink low post?
  • "Howard acquired a million-dollar disability insurance polices" - Um.
  • "The game would be remembered by Webber's technical foul... " - Re-cast since a foul can't remember anything?
  • "After Webber left for the NBA, 1993–94 Wolverines team entered season ranked fifth... " - Missing words?
  • "Michigan lost to a struggling Northwestern Wildcats team,[78] making it losses in three of its last four regular season games... " - Doesn't make sense as written.

References

Other

I hope these suggestions prove helpful. If so, please consider reviewing another article, especially one from the PR backlog at WP:PR. That is where I found this one. Finetooth (talk) 02:02, 3 June 2010 (UTC)[reply]

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