Wikipedia:Peer review/Pilot (30 Rock)/archive4

Pilot (30 Rock)

Previous peer review

• A script has been used to generate a semi-automated review of the article for issues relating to grammar and house style; it can be found on the automated peer review page for December 2008.

This peer review discussion has been closed.
I've listed this article for peer review because it has already been through two failed FAC's, and I was planning on submitting for a third. Please be a brutal as possible with your reviews and review like this was FAC please. Any help is much appreciated.

Thanks, ^[User]Jamie JCA_[Talk] 20:35, 15 December 2008 (UTC)

• Comments
  • "After a fellow commuter begins an argument, Liz buys $150 worth " This anecdote won't make sense to anyone who hasn't watched the episode. Why did she buy $150 worth of hot dogs? What is the importance of this?
  • "passersby, hobos, and colleagues" Are you sure it's "hobos" and not just homeless people? The term hobo has a unique connotation.
  • "After inadvertently insulting her, Liz..." Misplaced modifier.
  • "In comparison to Liz, the narcissistic star of The Girlie Show, Jenna Maroney (Jane Krakowski) takes..." Ambiguous modifier. -> "In comparison to Liz, Jenna Maroney (Jane Krakowski), the narcissistic star of The Girlie Show, takes..."
  • The plot section should feature more than just a recount of what happened. It should offer readers a picture of the characters. Instead of telling readers just that Jack wants to hire Tracy, explain why he wants to. Instead of just stating that Jenna "takes to Jack", explain why. What is it about him that she likes?
  • "She begins to worry when she" This seems to contradict the previous sentence, so a transitional word such as "however" may be appropriate here to prepare readers for the contradiction.
  • "Against her own judgment," How is this against her judgment? She voluntarily chose to meet with him (at least according to the sentence). Was she forced to meet with him?
  • "but when Tracy discovers that he does not like the food they go to another restaurant" This is a simplistic description that sucks the humor out of the situation. FA prose needs to be engaging, so find a way to recast this sentence such that it's not simply retelling the story in bland language.
  • "While Liz tried to convince Tracy " Why the past tense here?
  • ", he discusses conspiracy theories." OK, but add to this description. For example, "confirming Liz's worries about Tracy's off-the-wall behavior."
  • "Liz learns that Jack fired Pete earlier that day." For what?
  • "Tracy and Liz arrive at the studio " Wait, I thought she was returning home?
  • " Liz sends Tracy out on stage to talk off the last bit of the show," Why?
  • In general, the plot does an adequate job of telling readers what happened, but it needs to be far more engaging and should delve into the motivations and consequences of what happened.
  • "performer" Avoid Easter egg links
  • "felt that "Fey was using the news setting as a fig leaf for her own experience and [he] encouraged her to write what she knew."" Using quotation marks here implies that Reilly said this. This is not the case. It's a false attribute of quotation (albeit inadvertent), which is a big no-no.
  • More to come later, perhaps. BuddingJournalist 17:06, 23 December 2008 (UTC)