Wikipedia:Peer review/George Headley/archive1
George Headley[edit]
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This peer review discussion has been closed.
I've listed this article for peer review because it is currently a GA and I'm hoping to take it to FAC. As usual, looking to see if it is comprehensible to the non-cricketer and that it does not get too bogged down in terms of prose and turgid cricket facts.
Thanks, Sarastro1 (talk) 22:22, 5 March 2011 (UTC)
Note: I am currently having internet connection problems, and there may be a delay before I can begin this review. Sorry Brianboulton (talk) 15:37, 14 March 2011 (UTC)
- Back in business from today. The review will be done in the next couple of days; thanks for your patience. Brianboulton (talk) 14:14, 20 March 2011 (UTC)
Brianboulton comments: I'll have to do this in stages; here are my comments on the lead and first two sections. I have also been doing a little copyediting as I have been going through.
- Lead
- "West Indies had a weak cricket team at the time" "At the time is vague; suggest "through most of Headley's playing career".
- Rephrase to avoid the "heavy/heavily" repetition in "...heavy responsibility and the side relied heavily..."
- "Headley was born in Panama but raised in Jamaica and quickly established himself as a batsman." I'd alter the later part of the sentence to: "...Jamaica where he quickly established himself in cricket as a batsman".
- Fix close repetition "selected/selection". I would divide this overlong sentence along the lines: "He was chosen for the Jamaican cricket team, and narrowly missed selection for the West Indies tour of England in 1928. He made his Test debut in 1930, against England in Barbados, and was instantly successful.
- The words "After a brief period of difficulty against Australian spinners..." are confusing, because they imply that his difficulties preceded the Australian series. I suggest the sentence begins at "Headly continued his success..."
- "He never failed in a Test series..." is not quite the case; he didn't shine against England in 1948 or 1954 (though he only played in one Test in each of these these series). I think you are referring to his prewar career, so I would say "He maintained his form through these series..."
- "until the war" - presumably you mean until the outbreak of war in 1939.
- "Headley's career was interrupted by the war and although he returned to Tests afterwards, he did not enjoy the same level of success, hampered by injuries." Needs a bit of attention and repunctuation. I suggest "The war interrupted Headley's career; although he returned to Tests in 1948 he was hampered by injuries and did not achieve his previous levels of success".
- There is an awkwardness in that, having mentioned Headley's single appearance as a Test captain, you jump to the end of his career which was actually six years later.
- Done, I think. Added something about his league cricket. --Sarastro1 (talk) 20:16, 22 March 2011 (UTC)
- I can't make sense of the sentence: "His Test career ended in 1955 after he had returned to Jamaica following a public subscription paid for his trip from England, where he was playing cricket in the Birmingham League". First, his Test career ended in January 1954. Do you mean "His playing career ended in 1955 on his return to Jamaica, after a public subscription paid his fare from England, where he had been playing cricket in the Birmingham League."?
- Done. And, no, I meant 1954 so I'm not sure what happened there!--Sarastro1 (talk) 20:16, 22 March 2011 (UTC)
- Early life
- General point: avaoid overdetailing. For example, I'm not sure it's relevant for us to know about the wages levels for Panama Canal workers, or which church denomiations Headley belonged to as a child. Some cautious trimming recommended.
- Removed these details and keeping an eye out for more. --Sarastro1 (talk) 20:25, 22 March 2011 (UTC)
- "Aged ten, Headley and his mother went to Jamaica." I assume you mean "When Headley was aged ten, his mother took him to Jamaica".
- Second paragraph: the word "Meanwhile" is wrong, since the sentence deals with his education after Calabar Elementary School.
- "...he scored his first century in an organised match in a friendly match..." Very clumsy: I'd delete the "friendly match" detail
- "While watching these matches, Headley was impressed by the batting technique of Ernest Tyldesley." Is this snippet followed up anywhere, e.g. did he try to emulate Tyldesley' style? Otherwise I wonder why it's included.
- I had a vague idea this was the case, but I must have imagined it as I can't find it anywhere. Removed. --Sarastro1 (talk) 20:25, 22 March 2011 (UTC)
- Why was he applying for an American work permit? This doesn't seem to be related to any of the other information you've given about Headley's working life.
- You must not sound like a sports journalist, so phrases like "a fluent 71" should be avoided.
- Can you clarify in which match Headley scored his first first-cless century. The section describing this innings begins "After a minor match..." So, who was he playing for when he scored the century? Oughtn't we to have date and location for this match?
- Is "Alan Hilder" really worth a redlink? He wasn't a regular first-class player - he played the odd game for Kent and went on tours with the likes of Tennyson, Cahn etc. What's the chance that he will ever get a WP article?
- Last sentence: "He also took part in a tour to America to play against the Jamaican Athletic Club in New York, which enabled him to see his parents for the first time in ten years." Do we have a date for this? What was the touring team he was playing for? And the last we heard of his parents, they were in Cuba.
- Very few details in the source. I've fixed what I can, including his parents, and I'll have a check elsewhere. --Sarastro1 (talk) 20:42, 22 March 2011 (UTC)
More to come. Brianboulton (talk) 00:48, 22 March 2011 (UTC)
- Debut
- The subsection title should be extended, since the text covers a lot more than Headley's first Test match. Perhaps "Debut and first Test series".
- I think "MCC" is preferable to "M.C.C." throughout
- Give date and venue of the Barbados Test (Headley's Test debut)
- I imagine the crowd dissaproved of his selection rather than his dismissal, so I'd rearrange the text: "Headley was in the West Indies XI for the first of these Tests, played in Barbados, to the disapproval of Barbadians who thought his place should have gone to a more deserving local player".
- "...becoming the first West Indian to score a century on his Test debut and only their second centurion overall." Well, yes, but this was only the Windies' fourth Test ever, so I'm not sure of the real significance of these achievements.
- More of a landmark than an achievement; rather like W.G. Grace would be notable as the first English centurion. --Sarastro1 (talk) 21:57, 22 March 2011 (UTC)
- Where was the third Test played?
- Is hitting a bowler for three successive fours a feat worthy of specific mention? Even I may have done that, in my now dormant cricket career (two legside flukes and a swipe over the bowler's head, I dimly recall). There is a danger in overdetailing.
- "...the third highest individual score in Tests" Clarify: "what was at the time the third highest individual score in all Test cricket" (assuming this is so).
- Link "off side"
- "...whom the tourists played for a second time after the third Test" - does this refer to both Victoris and South Australia, or just SA? If the latter, adjust the punctuation.
- Played them both for a second time. Does it need more rephrasing? --Sarastro1 (talk) 22:14, 22 March 2011 (UTC)
- "Meeting a member of the Australian Board of Control for cricket..." Delete "for cricket". What were the circumstances of this meeting? Was it formal, or by way of a chat? Probably the latter, I'd guess, so I'd rephrase: "In conversation with a member..." etc. As a releatively junior member of the side, I'd be surprised if Headley had the credentials to "[ask] the authorities to produce faster pitches to enable the public to see more attacking cricket."
- Clarified; Headley wasn't the only one there who suggested it. --Sarastro1 (talk) 22:14, 22 March 2011 (UTC)
- I think the teams is West Indies not "West Indians"
- No, one of those weird period cricket things (which was in operation till recently and may still hold): the Test team was West Indies, but the touring side was West Indians. The same applied to all the Test teams (except England who were MCC, then "England XI"). --Sarastro1 (talk) 22:14, 22 March 2011 (UTC)
- Fifth Test: who says the Australian bowling on the first day was "good"?
- "Headley, playing Grimmett comfortably by now, achieved the rare feat in Australia of reaching 1,000 first-class runs on the tour, batting for 146 minutes and hitting thirteen fours." Reorganise; the last phrase refers to his innings, not to the 1,000 runs feat.
- Some link or explanation (via a footnote) for "declared/declaration"
- "Headley had regular practices and also began a programme of running and swimming". I'd say: "In addition to his regular practice, Headley began a programme of running and swimming to improve his overall fitness."
- The former records of Tarilton and Sandham need further explanation. I'd say: "During his innings, Headley passed the previous highest score by any West Indian batsman, 304 not out Percy Tarilton in 1920, and the highest score in the West Indies by any batsman, Andy Sandham's 325 in 1930."
Still more to come. Brianboulton (talk) 17:46, 22 March 2011 (UTC)
- All done so far. Thanks for the comments to date, much appreciated. --Sarastro1 (talk) 22:18, 22 March 2011 (UTC)
More:-
- 1933 tour of England
- "The English press expected Headley to perform to a high standard, speculating how he would cope with English conditions,[55] but Wisden believed he justified the expectations and increased his reputation." The "but" is wrong here, and there is a mismatch in the sentence between the expectation and the judgement. Suggest rephrase: "The English press speculated on how Headley would cope with English conditions, while expecting him to perform to a high standard. In the event, Wisden believed he justified the expectations and increased his reputation."
- Ungrammatical: "Although scoring just 13 in the first innings, Headley's 50 was the highest score when West Indies followed-on..." There is no "although" connecting these two events. Suggest: "Headly scored 13 in the West Indies first innings, and his 50 was the highest score when West Indies followed-on." Full stop at this point. The prose in the next sentence is a bit muddled and needs some rephrasing, e.g: "Critics were impressed by Headley's second innings performance in which he scored his 50 out of the 64 runs added while he was batting."
- "...One of the few to resist". Too cryptic; more required, e.g. "one of the few to offer resistence to this form of bowling attack."
- "Around this time" is too vague - when are we talking about?
- Don't have an exact date, but he missed some cricket shortly after the Tests, and the source places it around here. I've said "after the Tests". --Sarastro1 (talk) 21:29, 23 March 2011 (UTC)
- Identify Sidney Southerton (Wisden editor?)
- The final words of the section ("in the event") are redundant.
- Give a date for his contract with Haslington
- Link "run out" if this hasn't been done previously
- What was the "Worsley Cup"? Were these 189 runs not in his league aggregate?
- I would move or delete the sentence "However, the Test series revealed weaknesses in the English side", since at present this is an awkward jump forward that preempts the text of the section.
- Reworded, to make it mean (hopefully) that the team was not amazing but was strong enough (in theory) to beat the home side. (This was the original intention but it came out very clumsy!) --Sarastro1 (talk) 22:16, 23 March 2011 (UTC)
- "Martin Hawke, 7th Baron Hawke" is too cumbersome. Use the pipe and call him "!Lord Hawke" - as he was universally known
- The heading of this section is "Series against England in 1934–35". So a tour by Yorkshire in 1935-36 doesn't belong in this section. Either create s subsection for it, or reduce it to one or two brief sentences that can be tagged to the end of this section. Personally I'd do the latter, as this s eries adds very little of importance to the Headley story, but it's your call.
- I'd prefer to keep it for now as I believe it illustrates Headley was not infallible but also was held in high regard (given the attention given to him pre-tour). However, it could be my (ahem) pro-Yorkshire leanings at work, so I'll chew it over. --Sarastro1 (talk) 22:16, 23 March 2011 (UTC)
To be concluded (soon) Brianboulton (talk) 19:05, 23 March 2011 (UTC)
Conclusion:-
- Second tour of England
- Begin section "In 1936..."
- Who on earth was "Crab Nethersole"? Surely not worth a redlink?
- Yes, actually! As well as a cricketer, he was quite a significant politician in Jamaica. I may even get around to him myself one day... However, I think for this article, he is best left as just Jamaica's captain. --Sarastro1 (talk) 20:58, 24 March 2011 (UTC)
- In the first paragraph, three successive sentences begin "Headley..."
- "He became the first player to score two hundreds at Lord's,..." I assume you mean "in a Lord's Test".
- "Preston" - have we identified him?
- Why [sticky wicket] thus?
- "...the start of the Second World War." Redundant phrase
- Change the title. Except for the first couple of lines, we are in 1945-46 and later thereafter.
- "did not use professional cricketers" is a bit clumsy. Suggest "cancelled professionals' contracts"
- "Remaining in Jamaica..." He was in England when we last heard of him, so I'd say "Having returned to Jamaica, ..."
- "Headley also captained Jamaica in the final two matches..." The final two matches of what? You need to be a bit more precise about giving dates - it's easy to get a little lost. This applies particuarly in the second paragraph. When did he go the New York> When was thetour by the Barbadian team? When did Headley lead the team to British Guiana?
- Cleared up dates except American trip. I have no precise date for that except vaguely around then, so I've cut it as it isn't vital. --Sarastro1 (talk) 21:27, 24 March 2011 (UTC)
- Resumption of Test career
- Pipe-link "Ceylon" to Sri Lanka
- Chronology problems: why do we jump back to 1947 at the start of the third paragraph?
- Cleared up by shifting info about Lucas to previous section. --Sarastro1 (talk) 22:03, 24 March 2011 (UTC)
- Sort out and split this sentence and tidy up the ending (he didn't retire "in the Senior Cup"): "In 1947, Headley left Lucas CC and joined the Kensington Club, for whom he played until 1950, when he returned to league cricket in England, and again for a final season in 1955 when he retired from cricket in the Senior Cup."
- Readers might be confused as to why he couldn't get time off to play for the West Indies in England, yet could get time off to play for Bacup.
- I would assume it was because he played professionally for Bacup so no longer was an insurance agent. But, I'm guessing as the sources don't say. --Sarastro1 (talk) 22:03, 24 March 2011 (UTC)
- Ron Headley was born in June 1939, so he was 13 not 14 in 1952.
- More chronological confusion at the section's end - why jump over his final Test appearance?
- Write £1,000, not "one thousand pounds"
- "Headley was the oldest man, as of March 2011, to play a Test match for West Indies." This needs to be "is" or "remains", not "was"
- "Batting at number six, it appeared that England, under the captaincy of Len Hutton, let Headley score an easy run to begin his innings, and Hutton later claimed this was the case." Not grammatical, need to be something like: "Headley batted at number six, and it appeared that England, under the captaincy of Len Hutton, let Headley score an easy run to begin his innings, which Hutton later confirmed to be the case." You might wish, somewhere, to indicate that this was intended as a gesture of respect.
- Most of this section is not about "style and technique", and I suggest you employ a more representative title.
- What was the genesis of the "Black Bradman" nickname?
- Not sure as the sources are a little vague. I'll keep digging. --Sarastro1 (talk) 22:02, 2 April 2011 (UTC)
- "His role was made harder by the weakness of his colleagues, as few outstanding players find it easy to play in teams which lose frequently." This, and similar opinion statements, needs attribution as well as citation.
- I think the punctuation requires "teams'" rather than "team's", as Headley played for more than on eteam. Do these figures cover his league cricket as well as his first-class matches?
- "as the opening batsmen were not effective..." Too absolute, needs qualifying.
- "Historian Frank Birbalsingh, when Headley met the king of England, wrote:..." Doesn't work. Try: "Of Headley's meeting with the king of England in [year], Frank Birbalsingh wrote:" etc. By the way, Birbalsingh is not a historian so he needs a different description (e.g "Caribbean writer")
- "He hit the ball hard was very difficult to get out." Something missing here.
- I can't help wondering (and so will your readers) how he came to have 4 children before his marriage at the age of 30. Were these with a single regular partner, or did he put it about rather a lot? The question also arises as to how he couls maintain all these kids, on the basis of evidently modest wages.
- I've absolutely no idea! The biography does not really cover this and only a newspaper article mentions it. However, it gives no more details. --Sarastro1 (talk) 22:02, 2 April 2011 (UTC)
- Link "1964 Olympics" and perhaps some other associated terms
- "Normal" Manley founsation??
- More information needs to be given about the last decades of Headley's life. He lived for more than 20 years after his coaching job finished; what work did he do, or otherwise, how did he make a living? Concerning his death, what was the cause? Had he been ill for long? I assume these details are in Lawrences's biography which I haven't read.
- There's surprisingly little here. The book mainly talks about awards he presented or received. And it does not mention his death. In fact, it is a little too "wasn't he great!" at the end. It's a slightly odd book overall. So, no details, I'm afraid. --Sarastro1 (talk) 22:02, 2 April 2011 (UTC)
That finishes my review. When you have worked through my points, please let me know. I would like the opportunity of reading the finished article; I've only really gone through it piecemeal up to now. Looks very promising. Brianboulton (talk) 20:01, 24 March 2011 (UTC)
Two final suggestions
- In the Style, technique and legacy section, I think the last two paragraphs should be promoted, to become the second and third in the section. In that way the section's organisation improves; style and technique issues are together, followed by legacy.
- If the story of the four pre-wedlock children is based only on a newspaper article, and is not mentioned in the biography or elsewhere, then I'd drop it. It may not be good information, and members of Headley's family might be offended by it. (Dean Headley is coach at Stamford School - I live at Stamford!) Brianboulton (talk) 22:06, 3 April 2011 (UTC)
- I think it's may well be true, assuming Headley was married in 1939. However, I agree it may be dubious and the source isn't ideal. The biography glosses over it slightly. I've made the article a little ambiguous; I've kept the newspaper info about his wife's full name and the year of marriage but used "nine children" from the biography rather than the four children before marriage. --Sarastro1 (talk) 21:29, 8 April 2011 (UTC)
Comments
- "This injury meant that he played no further part in the five-match Test series. " - please be explicit that the tests were back in India.
- "he had made what was at the time the third highest individual score in all Test cricket" - Foster, Hammond, Sandham before Headley. Tintin 00:30, 5 April 2011 (UTC)