Wikipedia:Peer review/Will Allen (urban farmer)/archive1

Will Allen (urban farmer)

This peer review discussion has been closed.
I've listed this article for peer review because I would like to see how else to improve the article.

Thanks, Phaeton23 (talk) 12:51, 3 August 2010 (UTC)

Ruhrfisch comments: Thanks for your work on this very interesting article, here are some suggestions for improvement.

• Per WP:LEAD, the lead should also say something like "usually known as Will Allen..." (i.e. give the name he is usually known by)
• Some of the language is not very encyclopedic (kid) and seems to run afoul of WP:NPOV or at least WP:PEACOCK - for example When he played for the middle school team, he was a huge and powerful kid and proved to be unstoppable. (proved to be unstoppable is POV or at least a peacock phrase)
• The article could use a copy edit to polish the prose, which is rough in places. For example there seems to be some words missing in He would never play an NBA game, but would go on [to play for] the ABA's Miami Floridians and then for Belgium in the European Professional League. Is there a link for the "European Professional League"?
• The infobox lists one child (under "Children") but the article makes it clear he has three - also the spelling of Ericka / Erika is not consistent
• The article has a lot of short (one or two setence) paragraphs, which impede the flow. In almost all cases, these should be combined with others or perhaps expanded.
• Watch WP:OVERLINKing - for example Growing Power is linked 7 times in the article. Once each in the lead, body of the article, and infobox is enough.
• Per WP:See also, the See also section is usually reserved for links that do not otherwise appear in the article
• There is one diambiguation link, to ABA - spell out abbreviations on first use, followed by the abbreviation so American Basketball Association (ABA)
• Units should be given in both English and metric units - the {{convert}} template does a great job of doing this.
• I would use the Time magazine article as a ref, not an external link
• He sounds like a wonderful person, but the article needs to give a balanced treatment of his life - for example, he is described as an excellent basketball player, so why did he never play in the NBA? What sort of statistics did he have as a professional and college player?
• Internet refs need URL, title, author if known, publisher and date accessed. {{cite web}} and other cite templates may be helpful. See WP:CITE and WP:V
• In the refs, p. is used for a single page and pp. is used for multiple pages - the refs now use pp. for both
• Avoid words like curent / currently as articles can become out of date quickly. It is better to use things like "As of 2010..." or "since YEAR"

Hope this helps. If my comments are useful, please consider peer reviewing an article, especially one at Wikipedia:Peer review/backlog (which is how I found this article). I do not watch peer reviews, so if you have questions or comments, please contact me on my talk page. Yours, Ruhrfisch _><>°^° 12:47, 9 August 2010 (UTC) )