Wikipedia:Peer review/The Paul Green School of Rock Music/archive1

The Paul Green School of Rock Music

This peer review discussion has been closed.
I've been working on removing weasel words, adding cites and improving the balance on this page. Please review it and improve it. Thank you. K8 fan (talk) 16:53, 1 October 2011 (UTC)

Finetooth comments: Thanks for your work on this interesting article. Here are a few suggestions for improvement.

• The lead should be a summary of the whole article and should not include anything important that is not mentioned in the main text. The existing lead seems to be mostly a history of the program rather than a summary of the article. You might consider adding a "History" section and moving much of the lead to that section. WP:LEAD has further general information about leads.

• "In 2002, producers from VH1 filmed for four days at the Philadelphia location for a proposed reality TV series, then stopped returning phone calls." - I find this sentence puzzling because it seems to have no connection to Green or to the School of Rock.

• "The Annual School of Rock Festival" section needs inline citations to reliable sources. So does the last sentence of the first paragraph of the "All-Stars" section. So does the second paragraph of the "Performances" section. My rule of thumb is to include a citation for every set of statistics, every unusual claim, every direct quotation, and every paragraph. If one source supports a whole paragraph, the citation should appear at the end of the paragraph. If not, then the paragraph may need more than one citation.

• Possible expansion: How much does it cost to attend one of these schools?

• Possible expansion: How are the teachers chosen? What qualifications do they have?

• Possible expansion: The reviews seem positive, and the school naturally views itself in a positive light. Is this the complete picture? Do any of the critics say anything negative about the program? Do parents and kids have anything to say?

• Facebook (citation 9) does not meet the reliable source guidelines. See WP:RS for details.

• Citation 10 does not seem to link to a supporting page.

• Citation 11 is missing the publisher's name and an access date.

• YouTube (citation 12) is not a reliable source.

• WHYY in citation 17 links to a disambiguation page.

• The date formatting throughout the citations needs to be consistent. Choose one format and stick with it.

• Since the School of Rock web site appears in the infobox, it does not need to be in External links.

• The School of Rock Festival link in the External links sections has a dead URL.

• Why include the Boston branch of the School of Rock in the external links and not other branches? I'd suggest deleting it rather than adding a whole bunch of links to the other branches.

• Please make sure that the existing text includes no copyright violations, plagiarism, or close paraphrasing. For more information on this please see Wikipedia:Wikipedia_Signpost/2009-04-13/Dispatches. (This is a general warning given in view of previous problems that have risen over copyvios.)

I hope these suggestions prove helpful. If so, please consider commenting on any other article at WP:PR. I don't usually watch the PR archives or make follow-up comments. If my suggestions are unclear, please ping me on my talk page. Finetooth (talk) 20:56, 23 October 2011 (UTC)