Wikipedia:Peer review/Straight edge/archive1

Straight edge

This peer review discussion has been closed.
I would like a peer review of this because It is getting close to becoming GA status but I am unsure that it will pass. I listed this under social sciences because it is a sub culture. I hope thats right. Cheers, Guerillero | My Talk 03:03, 13 January 2011 (UTC)

Brianboulton comments: An interesting short article, on an area of cultural history that I admit I had not previously encountered. My overall reaction after reading it was that it seemed a little short on detail and could probably be expanded. Here are a few specific points:-

• In the first sentence, the comma after "hardcore punk" makes the sense ambiguous. It should be removed.

 Done

• There is evidence in the lead of overlinking. Everyday terms (alcohol, tobacco, promiscuous sex, caffeine) should not be linked. There may be unnecessary linking elsewhere in the article.

I tried to work on this

• At present the lead is little more than an explanation of the term "straight edge". It needs to be expanded to become a summary of the whole article.

 Done added some more with refs

• "Associated with punk rock, the early years of the straight edge subculture are now called the old school era." "now called" by whom - is there a source for this assertion? Also, shouldn't "old school era" be in quotes?

I removed the terminology because no sources call it the old school era

• "old school"; lower case in text, upper case "Old School" in section heading.

I removed the terminology because no sources call it the old school era

• Statements such as "circumstances soon changed" don't convey any information without any indication of the circumstances or the nature of the change.
• "a well-known presence in the scene"; "the scene" is too imprecise, needs closer definition
• Again, "some of the more controversial aspects" needs more detail
• "In a 2003 study on straight edge, one out of the twenty participants interviewed advocated some form of violence". I am not sure where the focus of this sentence is. Are we supposed to read the sense as "only" one out of twenty, or "as many as" one out of twenty? In the context of this paragraph, which seems to be saying that straight edhe grew more tolerant after 2000, I imagine it is the former, but the paragraph needs clarification.
• Check out ref 21; the link is misbehaving. It shows as a dead link on the toolbox checker, upper right.

I hope these comments are helpful. As I am not watching individual peer reviews, please use my talkpage if there are any issues you wish to raise with me, or if you want me to look again. Brianboulton (talk) 23:10, 16 January 2011 (UTC)

I'm going to remove the "old school era" wording entirely because the sources I have access to don't use that term. (Wood (2006), Azerrad (2001), Kuhn (2010), Blush (2001), and Cogan (2008))As a personal side note: wow that looks pretentious. Kuhn calls it "the early days of Washington DC hardcore punk" but the section is about more then that...--Guerillero | My Talk 04:39, 17 January 2011 (UTC)