Wikipedia:Peer review/Randall Flagg/archive4

Randall Flagg

Previous peer review

• A script has been used to generate a semi-automated review of the article for issues relating to grammar and house style; it can be found on the automated peer review page for September 2008.

This peer review discussion has been closed.
I've listed this article for peer review because I would like for it to achieve Featured Status and I believe the article is close to being there. Any suggestions or improvements would be greatly appreciated.

Thanks, CyberGhostface (talk) 14:40, 13 September 2008 (UTC)

Comments from Dabomb87 (talk · contribs)

• The lead needs expansion. Here's a tip: The lead should have at least one sentence that summarizes each section.
• "Randall Flagg made his first official appearance in the 1978 apocalyptic novel The Stand." Did he have an unofficial appearance?
• "In it, he is trying to rebuild civilization in the United States in his image after a plague has killed off most of the population."
• "Flagg’s backstory is vague, unknown even to him, with Flagg stating that at some point he just “became”; although, he has memories of being a marine, a Klansman, as well as having a hand in the kidnapping of Patty Hearst." Use em dashes instead: "Flagg’s backstory is vague, unknown even to him—Flagg states that at some point he just “became”—although he has memories of being a marine, a Klansman, as well as having a hand in the kidnapping of Patty Hearst."
• "In the novel, Flagg plans to attack and destroy the other emerging civilization — Mother Abagail's "Free Zone" in Boulder, Colorado — to become the dominant society in the former United States." Em dashes should be unspaced (check for this throughout article). Why is the phrase "In the novel" necessary. Isn't the whole section about what goes on in the novel?
• Per Wikipedia:Captions, only captions that are complete sentences should have periods.

I'll have more comments later. Dabomb87 (talk) 12:57, 19 September 2008 (UTC)

Yes, he did have an unofficial appearance; The Dark Man, a poem that King wrote in college. That served as the basis for Flagg's character, but the character is never called Flagg in it. (The article does discuss this) Thanks for the suggestions; I'll look into them later.--CyberGhostface (talk) 15:08, 19 September 2008 (UTC)

• Dash inconsistencies in general: I see regular unspaced em dashes, spaced en dashes, and spaced em dashes (an MOS breach).
• "The Dark Tower also reveals more of Flagg’s backstory, stating that he was born 1500 years earlier in Delain to Sam the Miller of Eastar’d Barony, and named Walter Padick; as a young child of thirteen"—This shouldn't be bolded.
• "The character of Randall Flagg has even inspired musical artists." "even" sounds POV, as if the writer is surprised that Randall Flagg was inspirational to artists.
• "Flagg’s representation of evil is not without its detractors." Make simpler: "Flagg’s representation of evil also has detractors."

Dabomb87 (talk) 01:59, 20 September 2008 (UTC)