Wikipedia:Peer review/Los Angeles Lakers/archive1

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Los Angeles Lakers[edit]

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This peer review discussion has been closed.
I've listed this article for peer review because I would like to get it to GA status. It needs alot of work for it to be a FA. I tried to add as much information as i can. It needs better grammar. If you guys will improve the grammar, that will be thankful. If you could help please see this. Thanks, BlueRed 07:17, 12 August 2008 (UTC)[reply]

Ruhrfisch comments: Very briefly, here are some suggestions for improvement. If you want more comments, please ask here.

  • PR is not typically a place where copyedits happen - you can ask for a copyedit from one of the volunteers at WP:PRV. I owuld also look carefully at all the points raised in the GA review - many of them are still applicable in the current version of the article (relative size of the history subsections, for example)
  • The lead should be an accessible and inviting overview of the whole article. Nothing important should be in the lead only - since it is a summary, it should all be repeated in the body of the article itself (Land of 10,000 Lakes is only in the lead). My rule of thumb is to include every header in the lead in some way. Please see WP:LEAD
  • Article has many one or two sentence paragraphs that break up the flow - these should be combined with others or perhaps expanded.
  • Per WP:Summary Style, there should be a brief summary of the main article referred to, but there are no such summaries for Franchise and NBA records or the Logo and uniforms or Head coaches sections
  • Season-by-season records has zero refs, My rule of thumb is that every quote, every statistic, every extraordinary claim and every paragraph needs a ref. Internet refs need URL, title, author if known, publisher and date accessed. {{cite web}} and other cite templates may be helpful. See WP:CITE and WP:V

Hope this helps. If my comments are useful, please consider peer reviewing an article, especially one at Wikipedia:Peer review/backlog (which is how I found this article). Yours, Ruhrfisch ><>°° 03:54, 18 August 2008 (UTC)[reply]

I was requested to comment on this article in its pursuit of GA status:

  • I think that when you refer to players colleges you should pipe the link to the basketball program if it exists and if it does not create a redirect where it should be so that you are linked to an article when it is created. E.g. "The Lakers selected 6'9" Earvin Johnson from Michigan State" s/b "The Lakers selected 6'9" Earvin Johnson from Michigan State" and "The team selected Jerry West from West Virginia University" s/b "The team selected Jerry West from West Virginia University".
  • In their Last year in Minneapolis s/b followed by a comma.
  • Prose is sloppy:
    • E.g., "During the offseason Milkan [sp?] announced his retirement, ending his ten year basketball career." The way the sentence reads his retirement ended his career, which is of course technically correct. What you mean is something like 'Mikan's announcement of his retirement during the offseason ended his ten-year basketball career.'
    • "With Mikan leading the way, their first years as the Lakers, easily won their division by 13 games with a 43–17 record." has no real subject for the noun won. s/b 'With Mikan leading the way during their first year, the Lakers easily won their division by 13 games with a 43–17 record.'
    • Following should not be capitalized.
  • You link finals MVP, I think you should also link the first occurrence of reg season MVP.
  • That is all for now.--TonyTheTiger (t/c/bio/WP:CHICAGO/WP:LOTM) 22:23, 22 August 2008 (UTC)[reply]
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