Wikipedia:Peer review/Kingdom Hearts Birth by Sleep/archive1

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Kingdom Hearts Birth by Sleep[edit]

Article (edit | visual edit | history) · Article talk (edit | history) · Watch • Watch peer review

This peer review discussion has been closed.
This article was created shortly after the announcement of the game in September 2007. The game is still unreleased, and it is updated as new information is released. Because of a change in Featured topic criteria, this game and the other unreleased games need to go through peer review for the Kingdom Hearts topic to stay featured. One such game has already been reviewed.

Any comments you may have to improve the article are welcome and I'll try to address them as best I can. (Guyinblack25 talk 15:08, 24 July 2008 (UTC))[reply]

Comments from Ealdgyth (talk · contribs)

Hope this helps. Please note that I don't watchlist Peer Reviews I've done. If you have a question about something, you'll have to drop a note on my talk page to get my attention. (My watchlist is already WAY too long, adding peer reviews would make things much worse.) 13:27, 26 July 2008 (UTC)
Thank you for the comments.
  • The {{citation}} template has been replaced with {{cite journal}}
  • The kh2.co.uk does not qualify as a reliable source, but the link is a translation of an interview in the Japanese gaming magazine Famitsu. I've tweaked the reference to cite the magazine instead with a link to the translation.
  • That posting on Joystiq is written by James Ransom-Wiley. He is a Senior Editor at Joystiq and one of the site's longtime writers. See his info page. He's covered major video game events and appeared on G4's Attack of the Show!. See video link.
Hope that takes care of everything. (Guyinblack25 talk 16:37, 29 July 2008 (UTC))[reply]
Ashnard comments

Okay, a strange one since I guess this info is subject to change/expansion, but I'll review what's here:

  • "It is an installment in the best-selling Kingdom Hearts". I don't want to be too stringent with POV interpretations, but I'm thinking that this is redundant anyway.
  • "Many previously unexplained elements" To be assumed I guess, but best to clarify by writing "plot" elements.
  • "single player" is hyphenated in the WP article, so it probably should be here too.
  • "Kingdom Hearts Re:Chain of Memories". Any reason why this is wikilinked the second time it is used, and not the first?
  • "based on the personalities and abilities of the three main characters; Terra, Aqua and Ven". My grammar isn't great, so feel free to correct, but wouldn't a colon be more appropriate here?
  • You probably already know this, but "gameplay" is temporal in places, meaning that references to Nomura and what the developers plan to do will become needless. Will need a rewrite in places when release beckons.
  • "Birth by Sleep is a prequel to the Kingdom Hearts series," Firstly, why isn't this in the lead? Secondly, doesn't make sense as this itself is/will be a component of that series.
  • "Keyblade masters". Don't have a clue what this is.
  • Nomura has stated that, though there are three scenarios, there is not one singularly important scenario or character, but the main theme is Ven's identity. I feel the comma and "That" are needed for better reading here. I feel that this sentence seems contradictory, but this is from an outsider's persepctive.
  • "The story was speculated early on to be connected to the unlockable trailers at the end of Kingdom Hearts II and Kingdom Hearts II Final Mix.[9] Nomura has since confirmed a connection to the trailers.[10]" Probably should be combined into one sentence. Should be more concise—why introduce the concept of speculation only to state confirmation?
  • "for example, a young Hercules in the Coliseum" This is going to have to be explained or linked.
  • "to original characters Terra, Aqua and Ven," Maybe a pedantic one, but what makes these original since this isn't their first appearance in a KH article, according to the lead?
  • "Nomura mentioned he wanted to do a spin-off" Create? "do" sounds a bit unprofessional.
  • "In 2007, Nomura mentioned he wanted to do a spin-off Kingdom Hearts game on a mobile platform and wanted the game to play slightly different than other titles in the series.." Repetition: wanted...wanted. The game technically doesn't play iteslf, so this should probably be reworded.
  • "Kingdom Hearts II Final Mix+" Why does it have a plus here but not in its first usage? Same with inconsistency between other usage of the same title.
  • For the references, use |language=| as opposed to using the brackets manually.

Okay, I hope this helps. Ashnard Talk Contribs 20:04, 28 July 2008 (UTC)[reply]

Thank you for the comments.
  • "best-selling" removed. See no need to include it.
  • "plot elements" makes more sense.
  • "single-player" is now hyphenated.
  • The first Re:CoM was probably added after the second one. Either way, the first is now the linked one.
  • Quite right on the colon. Good eye.
  • I'm hoping the entire article will undergo a complete rewrite by the time the game is released. So temporal issues that are present now should be gone down the road.
  • Prequel info has been added to the lead and clarified in the "Plot" section
  • "Keyblade masters" has been rewritten as "knights that wield Keyblades". Keyblade is also further clarified.
  • "That" word has been added to that sentence. Also, I agree that it sounds contradictory. I attribute this to the minimal amount of plot details that have been released. I believe this will be clarified further down the road when more info is available and the article has been rewritten.
  • I did not combine the two sentences because I'd like to keep the info separate for now. I agree it should be combined, but would like it separate to make the full rewriting a bit easier.
  • "Young Hercules" has bee clarified some. I hope it is enough.
  • The three new characters were original characters created for this installment. I'm not sure how to better convey this. I'm open to ideas, but have a feeling this will get taken care of in the rewrite.
  • It's just that I saw the reference to their appearance in another game in the lead that was released before this. If they were created specifically created for this game, then perhaps that could be elaborated on when the article expands.
  • "do" is now "create"
  • The info about playing differently has been reworded.
  • The Final Mix+ is a tricky thing. The second game re-released as Kingdom Hearts II Final Mix, but it was released together with Kingdom Hearts Re:Chain of Memories. The total package of the two games was called Kingdom Hearts II Final Mix+. I'm not sure how to better clarify this without going into excessive detail.
  • I believe all the necessary references using the language parameter are using it.
  • Oh, it looks like the aesthetics have been changed. It used to be greyish, bold text in brackets (as seen in exteranl links), so I'd thought they'd been inputted manually as these are just ordinary brackets. Never mind.
Thanks again for the helpful comments and I hope I've addressed most of them properly. (Guyinblack25 talk 20:53, 29 July 2008 (UTC))[reply]
Cheers, Guyinblack. Ashnard Talk Contribs 07:38, 30 July 2008 (UTC)[reply]
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