Wikipedia:Peer review/Jeff Habay/archive1

Jeff Habay

• A script has been used to generate a semi-automated review of the article for issues relating to grammar and house style; it can be found on the automated peer review page for June 2009.

This peer review discussion has been closed.
I've listed this article for peer review because it has been expanded tenfold (2,410 to 27,662 bytes). This is a difficult subject, with a complex litigation history spread over two administrative hearings and two trials. I would also like to make sure that WP:BLP is being followed. I am prepared to do what it takes to make this a GA and FA. Thanks, Blargh29 (talk) 22:50, 20 June 2009 (UTC)

Ruhrfisch comments: Very interesting and seems fairly close to GA to me, here are some suggestions for improvement.

• Per WP:LEAD the lead needs to be expanded, probably to about three paragraphs for the article length (at least two). The lead should be an accessible and inviting overview of the whole article. Nothing important should be in the lead only - since it is a summary, it should all be repeated in the body of the article itself but being 28 when first elected seems to only be in the lead.
• My rule of thumb is to include every header in the lead in some way but the two trials are not explicitly in the lead.
• Since the title of the article is "Jeff Habay" I would have the first sentence read something like "Jeffrey Earl Habay (commonly known as Jeff Habay) is a former Republican member of the Pennsylvania House of Representatives, ..." Done
• I would add Allegheny County and some reference to the greater Pittsburgh area to the lead as well - I know Pennsylvania pretty well and had to click on the link to make sure where Shaler Tonwship is - see WP:PCR
• I would also link "deputy whip" to Whip (politics) in the lead (it is linked later in the body of the article) Done
• In Early life... I would add his father and mother's names if known and also mention any siblings early on. Also when did he meet / marry his wife and when was their son born?

• Archives of Habay's profile show his listed as "Single" as of November 2002 and "Married to Nubia" on February 2003. That implies that they were married at some time between those two dates, but it is possible that the profile was simply updated for the new legislative session that time, so I don't think that's a rock-solid assumption. I found a 1998 Post Gazette reference to a Habay volunteer named "Nubia Hager," but that doesn't mean that they met because she was volunteering for him. It also doesn't mean that they were even in a relationship at that time.

• I assumed their wedding announcement would be in the papers, but if is not, then it is not. Could you add that she worked as a volunteer for his campaign in 1998, and that his official biography listed him as single in 2002, but as married to Nubia in 2003 (with refs)? Ruhrfisch _><>°^° 19:00, 14 July 2009 (UTC)

• Language is generally decent but could use a copyedit to polish things. Try printing this out and reading it out loud slowly. One example: He then returned to the Western Pennsylvania and to work as a career and admissions counselor for the Pittsburgh Technical Institute.[3] (and "western" should not be capitalized) Done
• I would make clearer that his brother was elected a twonship supervisor, and that this was also in Allegheny County. Also be consistent on capitalization - "supervisor" is not capitalized, but "Treasurer" is?{[done}}
• Watch out for unclear antecedents for pronouns - the subject of the sentence before In 1991, he ran for his first elective office, winning a position as Treasurer of O'Hara Township, Pennsylvania.[3] is his brother, so the he seems to refer to the brother and not Jeff Habay.
• I would make clear he failed to defeat the sherriff in the general election

Is there a better way to note this than "he unsuccessfully tried to unseat..."?

Hmmm. The original is In 1993, he unsuccessfully tried to unseat long-time Allegheny County Sheriff Eugene Coon, a well-known Democrat.[3] How about something like In 1993 he ran for Sherriff og Allegheny County, but lost in the general election to long-time incumbent Eugene Coon, a well-known Democrat.[3] ? Ruhrfisch _><>°^° 19:00, 14 July 2009 (UTC)

Expanded. Done}

• The WP:MOS says to spell out numbers ten and less, so spot the problem in ...thereby helping his party secure a 1 seat majority in House for the first time in 12 years.[8][9]
• I would mention any re-election campaigns he had for the PA House before the trial
• I would also mention Santorum (and link him) before Habay's statement blaming Santorum

I'm not sure how to work that in. I can't find any previous reference to any Habay/Santroum rivalry or dispute. Maybe a footnote noting that Santorum was a fellow Pittsburgh-area Republican politician?

• Was the first trial a jury trial or was it decided by a judge?
• In the first trial identify the jusge by name early on and do not capitalize "the Judge"
• In the second trial I would make it clearer that Habay was accused of planting the white powder and apparently found guilty of doing so.
• Last paragraph of second trial needs dates for context - when did he do these appeals
• The article just ends very abruptly - is he still in jail? Has he been released? If there is an editorial or commentary on him from a local paper, a quote from it might make a nice closing sentence or two.
• How about an image of the PA state house, perhaps File:PAState Capitol Back a Bit.JPG

Hope this helps. If my comments are useful, please consider peer reviewing an article, especially one at Wikipedia:Peer review/backlog (which is how I found this article). Yours, Ruhrfisch _><>°^° 03:20, 27 June 2009 (UTC)

Thanks for the comments and suggestions. I will work to incorporate them.--Blargh29 (talk) 21:16, 8 July 2009 (UTC)

Glad to help, Ruhrfisch _><>°^° 19:00, 14 July 2009 (UTC)