Wikipedia:Peer review/Hubert Maga/archive1

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Hubert Maga[edit]

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This peer review discussion has been closed.
I've listed this article for peer review because I am trying to bring it to featured status. Maga was a complex figure who successfully ruled over one of France's least valuable ex-colonies, Dahomey (now Benin). I'm sure he would love the constructive comments you will give me!

Thanks, ~the editorofthewiki (talk/contribs/editor review)~ 02:07, 10 December 2008 (UTC)[reply]

Few Thoughts[edit]

Nice work! I left a few problems that need to be addressed, however. » \ / (⁂ | ※) 23:11, 20 December 2008 (UTC)[reply]

  • Born a peasant in 1916, Maga served as a schoolmaster from 1936 to 1946, where he gained considerable influence among the uneducated. - 'Where' seems to be the wrong word, why not 1946, giving him considerable influence...
  • Capitalising on this, he was elected to Dahomey's territorial assembly in 1947 - 'Capitalising on this' also seems wrong, why not 'With this support,'?
  • served under various positions, including Premier from 1959-1960. - Served under -> Served in
  • His presidency oversaw a collapse of the national economy. - Oversaw makes it seem like the collapse was intentional.
  • There were little foreign investment in the country, and unemployment was on the rise. - were -> was, on the rise -> rising.
  • by way of forcing labor on the nation's youths. - Should be something like 'By forcing labour onto the nations youths'
  • unity crisis - What is a unity crisis? Wikilink if possible.
  • assassination attempt on him by the main opposition leader, Justin Ahomadegbé-Tomêtin, in May 1961. - Did Ahomadegbe-Tometin physically attempt to take Maga's life? Or was it co-ordinated by him?
  • By the time Maga set him free in November 1962 the president established a single-party state and many restrictions on the opposition press. - Doesn't mention Tometin being jailed before mentioning his release.
  • When riots over the release of a murderer broke out in the summer of 1963, they quickly refocused on Maga's handling of these problems. Again, this sentence doesn't give any context. How about, 'In 1963, NAME, a convicted murderer was released from prison, prompting riots around the country (?). Rioters blamed Maga for...'
    • Changed to "In 1963, Bokhiri, a convicted murderer was released from prison, prompting riots around the country. The focus of these riots soon shifted toward Maga's problems as president." ~EDDY (talk/contribs/editor review)~ 12:03, 23 December 2008 (UTC)[reply]
  • They became so intense that in October, Chief of Staff of the Dahomeyan Army Christophe Soglo took control of the country to prevent a civil war. - They -> The rioting. This seems to be chronologically after the start of the next paragraph.
  • After having Maga sign his resignation, Soglo gave Maga, Ahomadégbé-Tomêtin, and vice president Sourou Migan Apithy the title of Minister of State. -> Merge with last sentence of previous paragraph and reword remove passive voice. eg 'Maga was forced to resign by...'
  • Maga was incarcerated, though the former charge was dropped in 1964 and Maga took refuge in Paris. - How can he be incarcerated and then taking refuge in Paris? Did he escape? Or did he never go to jail?
  • The latter took over the chairmanship for a few months in 1972, until a new coup took place October 26 the same year, installing Major Mathieu Kérékou as the new President of the Republic. Flip the two clauses. eg 'On October 26 1972, Kerekou was installed by a coup, overthrowing the then chaiman Tometin.
  • Maga and the rest of the council were imprisoned and not released until 1981. - maybe Maga, along with the other members of the council were imprisoned until 1981.
  • Other than participated in the National Conference of 1990, which gave amnesty to all Beninese political refugees, Maga retired from public life. - Reword to maybe 'Maga retired from Public life in WHEN?, only making an appearance at the National conference of 1990. etc.

Those are just initial comments about the lead. There are some prose issues further on in the text, I haven't got enough time to list them. Maybe getting another member of the local WikiProject, or a WP:GoCE member to copyedit for you would be a good idea. » \ / (⁂ | ※) 23:11, 20 December 2008 (UTC)[reply]

  • A script has been used to generate a semi-automated review of the article for issues relating to grammar and house style. If you would find such a review helpful, please click here. Thanks, APR t 01:28, 22 December 2008 (UTC)[reply]
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