User:Orange & Viridian

You Have Two Cows

These are intended as humor. That said, contact me via my talk page if there's anything here you don't like.

1. (FPS) You have two cows. You detonate a grenade under your feet and blow yourself to Hell. The cows laugh at you and call you a n00b. You detonate another grenade under your feet. While you aren't killed immediately by the explosion, you die from injuries sustained during your landing. The cows insult you and call you a fag. You drop a third grenade under your feet and jump milliseconds before the blast. You are launched into an inaccessible alcove from which you may snipe the cows with impunity. You headshoot the cows repeatedly. The cows ban you and call you a camper.
2. (FPS: Blood) You have one cow. The cow is one of the more technologically advanced cows of its time and a delight to milk. Later, Monolith makes a second cow out of aluminum foil and scarecrow parts. The second cow is roundly despised. Both cows die and return as zombies. The zombie cows roam a large pasture with all of the other cows that no one wants. They will come when called, but very slowly. The first cow can't eat grass grown after nineteen-ninety-eight, but the people who liked it find another cow and make it look like the first.
3. (FPS: Half-Life) You have a gigantic pasture, most of which is strictly a stage prop. While moving through your predetermined course, you encounter many cows. However, they are all permutations of the same two cows. You don't notice this during your first visit to the pasture because you're busy dodging cow flop and looking at grass. When you reach the end of the pasture, the mysterious farmer who followed you offers you two gates. It doesn't matter which one you choose. You only keep the pasture for the pig and chicken that live in it.
4. (FPS: Half-Life 2) After several years of total silence, the people who built your farm burn it down and advertise a new one. You pay fifty dollars to use the new farm, which is rebuilt every time you visit it. The materials for the construction are imported from Alaska via mule train because of a complicated cattle-distribution arrangement between the builders and the French. The people who deliver the materials also search the pasture for suspicious cows. If they find any, they make you leave the farm. The pitchfork makes the cow pies float around; the other farm implements are largely ignored.
5. (RPG: Starcraft) You have two chickens. Every six minutes, they lay three eggs, each of which hatches two chickens. The chickens breed rapidly, overrunning the neighboring farms. You burn the other farms down and take their pastures. You surround your new pastures with spud gun nests and land mines. Your neighbors' cows fire manure at you from inaccessible hilltops.

Quotes I Like

• "Repent! The end is absolutely f*cking nigh!" -28 Days Later
• "You may find yourself living in a shotgun shack" -Talking Heads
• "Land of the Dead was good, dammit!" -Urban Dead, anonymous
• "You've got the hotwax residues / you never lose in your razorblade shoes" -"Hotwax", Beck
• "IT'S A TROPE!" -"Admiral Ackbar" parody
• "A kangaroo walks into a bar and says to the bartender, 'Blood is the lipstick of wounds.' The bartender does not know how he said it or why." - Michael O'Donoghue
• "miRRors arE moRe fUN ThAn tElEviSION." - "Flamingo", Address Unknown