User:Barneca/Requests for Jimboship/Barneca

The following discussion is preserved as an archive of a Request for Jimboship that did not succeed. Please do not modify it.

Barneca (sponsored by Dunder Mifflin (seems reasonable to me that a paper company should sponser on online encyclopedia))

Today is the day. I want to overthrow Jimbo, and install myself as benevolent dictator of Wikipedia. My cunning plan (which, like all villains, I'm foolishly divulging too early) is to make people think this is an April Fool's joke, garner loads of joke supports, and then find a 'crat (or steward, or developer, or something; not sure how Jimboship works) foolish enough to snow close it as successful. Also, just to make sure, I will only include a Support section. Finally, since this is a wiki and I am allowed to edit other people's work mercilessly, I will delete all non-support votes (or, better yet, move them to the support section).

It would be demeaning for a future dictator to answer questions from his future subjects, so I won't. However, feel free to ask them, as it will make me feel special when I ignore them.

Campaign promises:

1. Jimbo will not be harmed. I'll exile him to some island somewhere. He'll be allowed dial-up access; if he goes several months without attempting to regain the throne, I'll consider broadband.
2. MediaWiki space will be deleted, as I do not understand it.
3. It's likely I'll be needing lackeys. Please let me know in your support vote if you are interested.

I accept this self nomination (with reservations). --barneca (talk) 14:35, 1 April 2008 (UTC) I accept the nonexistent nomination as a mere mutant ninja turtle. —  scetoaux (T/C) 23:55, 1 April 2008 (UTC)

Questions

I must insist on a formal convocation of inquiry.

1. On the third day of your campaign, Jimbo is in apparent retreat from you. Since the onset of hostilities, you have gained the tactical advantage of a hill to the north. The rout appears to be heading south. Knowing you have superior numbers, you commit 75% to a flank maneuver from the east. It is 6:00pm local time. What will you do? Yngvarr (c) 14:58, 1 April 2008 (UTC)

A. OK, I'll answer just this one. Since I have committed 75% to a flank manuever, Sean Williams would automatically declare me the winner, based on his 'crat script. Therefore, I would simply declare victory. --barneca (talk) 15:03, 1 April 2008 (UTC)

2. - Regarding sex scandals. As refered to below, you're campaign promise is to up the quality of sex scanals of the jimbo office. Do you have some specific items/scandals/ideas to show the level you would attain? Thanks in advance. --Rocksanddirt (talk) 19:22, 1 April 2008 (UTC)

I wasn't going to answer questions, but this nomination is, surprisingly, in trouble, so I guess I'll have to.

A. Specifics? Well, no, not really. If it's really important to you, I guess I could go down to the corner, buy a copy of Penthouse, and copy some of the letters to the editor for you, claiming them as my own. Since no one here is perverted enough to subscribe/buy that magazine, I could probably get away with the plagiarism without detection. --barneca (talk) 20:07, 1 April 2008 (UTC)

3. Are you now, or have you ever been, a member of the CIA, the Mafia, or the World Jewish Conspiracy^TM? If not, why not? Tim Vickers (talk) 22:09, 1 April 2008 (UTC)

Ahem. Notice... he didn't ask about the Trilateral Commission. Coincidence? I think not. - Philippe 22:17, 1 April 2008 (UTC)

A. Yes, no, and yes, but not in that order. I could tell you the order too, but then I would have to kill you. --barneca (talk) 22:20, 1 April 2008 (UTC)

Support

Like a panhandler that puts money in his hat at the beginning of the day, to prime the pump, I've added several supports stolen from Sean's RfB and Andjam's RfO. If you wish your support to be removed, please contact the Process Committee for details on how to do so. If you wish to know how to contact the Process Committee, please contact the Process Committee for details on how to do so. To be fair, Neil, Viridae, and Dorftrottel are allowed to vote again if they wish. In fact, anyone voting support is allowed to vote again (this may be technically against the rules, but don't worry; when I gain Jimboship, I will retroactively change the rules to make it OK).

1. Support, outstanding. Neıl ☎ 13:17, 1 April 2008 (UTC)
2. Let's prove it to him that we are clueful, if that's what he's asking for, he can have that! Dorftrottel (harass) 13:24, April 1, 2008
3. Support Fnord! Viridae^Talk 13:04, 1 April 2008 (UTC)
4. Absolutely, looks ok at first glance. Remember that per Jimbo, oversight is not a big deal. Dorftrottel (vandalise) 13:22, April 1, 2008
5. Support as nom. --barneca (talk) 14:35, 1 April 2008 (UTC)

   Real supports go below this line. Real opposes go here.

6. Support. But only with an explicit promise that your sex scandals will involve an entirely better class of media whores. Ronnotel (talk) 14:50, 1 April 2008 (UTC)

   I hearby promise to have sex scandals that will make Ronnotel's toes curl. --barneca (talk) 15:04, 1 April 2008 (UTC)

7. Support - haz cheezburger. I wantz cheezburgers, manie cheezburgers. John Carter (talk) barneca (talk) 14:51, 1 April 2008 (UTC)

   Free cheezburgers for everyone! I wish I had thought of that. In fact, I did! --barneca (talk) 15:05, 1 April 2008 (UTC)

8. Support if and only if I can be made vice-Jimbo in some shady backalley deal. Friday (talk) 14:53, 1 April 2008 (UTC)

   Sure, why not; I can always renege later. After all, what could you do about it? I'll be Jimbo for Pete's sake. --barneca (talk) 15:06, 1 April 2008 (UTC)

9. Support per the cleared funds just received in my PayPal account. Pedro :  Chat  15:00, 1 April 2008 (UTC)

   Great; now everyone is going to demand their $0.15. Next time, keep things closer to the vest, please. --barneca (talk) 15:08, 1 April 2008 (UTC)

10. Oppose Support. IT MUST BE ME!!!—Ëzhiki (Igels Hérissonovich Ïzhakoff-Amursky) • (yo?); 15:14, 1 April 2008 (UTC)

    You spelled "support" wrong; as promised, I have fixed it for you. --barneca (talk) 15:20, 1 April 2008 (UTC)

11. Oppose Name has an A in it. Indicates likely abusage. Majorly (talk) 15:18, 1 April 2008 (UTC)

    Yours does too, so I have stricken your ¡vote!. Also, what could possibly be the point of having all that power if not to abuse it? --barneca (talk) 15:23, 1 April 2008 (UTC)

    Lies! Mjorly (tlk) 15:26, 1 April 2008 (UTC)

    My mistake. But can I now count on your full support? --bxrnecx (talk) 15:48, 1 April 2008 (UTC)

12. Strong support per my criteria. Wizardman 15:28, 1 April 2008 (UTC)

    There's a Merlinship position available if you're interested. To indicate acceptance, please turn anyone who opposes me into a turtle. --barneca (talk) 15:49, 1 April 2008 (UTC)

13. vote yes. Bearian (talk) 15:28, 1 April 2008 (UTC)

    Wise move; I will call off my henchmen. --barneca (talk) 15:53, 1 April 2008 (UTC)

14. Controvert request. Pointlessly increasing my edit count. --Ali'i 15:37, 1 April 2008 (UTC)

    Your ill-considered attempt at a coup has not gone un-noticed. Be warned, my memory is very long and I will not forget... um... what was I saying... thank you for your support! --barneca (talk) 15:53, 1 April 2008 (UTC)

    Perhaps I shall wait until the last moment though, so that the promoter may be fooled. However, the coup is necessary!

    It must be by his death: and for my part,
    I know no personal cause to spurn at him,
    But for the general. He would be crown'd:
    How that might change his nature, there's the question.
    It is the bright day that brings forth the adder;
    And that craves wary walking. Crown him?--that;--
    And then, I grant, we put a sting in him,
    That at his will he may do danger with.
    The abuse of greatness is, when it disjoins
    Remorse from power: and, to speak truth of Barneca,
    I have not known when his affections sway'd
    More than his reason. But 'tis a common proof,
    That lowliness is young ambition's ladder,
    Whereto the climber-upward turns his face;
    But when he once attains the upmost round.
    He then unto the ladder turns his back,
    Looks in the clouds, scorning the base degrees
    By which he did ascend. So Barneca may.
    Then, lest he may, prevent. And, since the quarrel
    Will bear no colour for the thing he is,
    Fashion it thus; that what he is, augmented,
    Would run to these and these extremities:
    And therefore think him as a serpent's egg
    Which, hatch'd, would, as his kind, grow mischievous,
    And kill him in the shell. --Ali'i

    I went ahead and highlighted some of the more apropos portions. Mahalo nui loa. --Ali'i 16:17, 1 April 2008 (UTC)

    Et tu, Ali'i? --barneca (talk) 16:29, 1 April 2008 (UTC)

15. Strong Support if I can be your number 2 man. Plus, Jimbo is a bot, anyway. Useight (talk) 15:46, 1 April 2008 (UTC)

    OK, but don't tell Friday. --barneca (talk) 15:56, 1 April 2008 (UTC)

16. Support if you can do this _{Escape Artist Swyer} ^{Talk to me} _{Articles touched by my noodly appendage} 15:48, 1 April 2008 (UTC)

    I can, but why bother when I will soon have loads of nubile Wikipedia groupies screaming for me? --barneca (talk) 15:56, 1 April 2008 (UTC)

17. Support - I have absolutely no ethical or moral problems with this. Something in "that thing that used to be my conscience" says I should be concerned, but I can't imagine why. Is the lack of a conscience a problem, given that I sit on the election committee for the WMF Board of Trustees? - Philippe 16:01, 1 April 2008 (UTC)

    Now you appear to be a very useful person to have in my corner. I will double triple the $0.15 I gave Pedro if you can pull some strings on the election committee for me. I had forgotten I would need help dealing with the Trustees. And don't worry about losing your conscience; I subcontracted mine out to Jiminy Cricket years ago, and it changed my life. --barneca (talk) 16:10, 1 April 2008 (UTC)

18. Support Provisional, depending on my promised seat on the Arbcom and 1,000 class-A Wikia shares. Lawrence § t/e 16:08, 1 April 2008 (UTC)

    Actually, MUCH better idea: since barneca will clearly take the 'pedia public and profit mercilessly on the hard work of the teeming masses, I want 1,000 class A 'pedia shares. - Philippe 16:11, 1 April 2008 (UTC)

    1000 class A Wikipedia shares for everyone. Genius. I will quadruple that $0.15 if you will drop everything and become my campaign manager. Lawrence had the seed of the idea, so he can be co-manager. (I have already begun to convert this to a fir-profit enterrpise; see top of page.)

    Whoa, hold everything, wait a minute. That sounds like "work". I'm out. - Philippe 16:25, 1 April 2008 (UTC)

19. Support A great candidate for Manchuria! - Raymond Prentiss Shaw (talk) 17:33, 1 April 2008 (UTC)

    Ahh, here come the sleeper cell agents, as planned. Excellent. --barneca (talk) 20:29, 1 April 2008 (UTC)

20. Support

    Oh freddled gruntbuggly,
    Thy micturations are to me
    As plurdled gabbleblotchits
    On a lurgid bee.
    Groop, I implore thee, my foonting turlingdromes
    And hooptiously drangle me
    With crinkly bindlewurdles,
    Or I will rend thee in the gobberwarts with my blurglecruncheon,
    See if I don't!

    I went ahead and highlighted some of the more apropos portions. --VogonPoetDeath (talk) 18:20, 1 April 2008 (UTC)

    O frabjous day! Callooh! Callay! Another supporter! --barneca (talk) 20:26, 1 April 2008 (UTC)

21. Jimboship u can haz sex skandals GlassCobra 18:59, 1 April 2008 (UTC)

    One can only hope. --barneca (talk) 20:26, 1 April 2008 (UTC)

22. MOAR DRHAMA --Rocksanddirt (talk) 19:22, 1 April 2008 (UTC)

    Who is this "Dr. Hama" you keep going on and on about? --barneca (talk) 20:26, 1 April 2008 (UTC)

23. yup. As Jimbo says, becoming Jimbo is no big deal. Keeper | 76 | Disclaimer 20:00, 1 April 2008 (UTC)

    I knew he had probably said that somewhere, but couldn't find the diff. --barneca (talk) 20:26, 1 April 2008 (UTC)

24. Support but aren't you already Jimbo in disguise? Darkson (Not a Sock) (BOOM! An interception!) 22:36, 1 April 2008 (UTC)

    No, Jimbo is me in disguise. --barneca (talk) 22:43, 1 April 2008 (UTC)

    So you're saying Jimbo is a Sock Puppet? Ban BAN BAN! and don't spare the parsnips. Darkson (BOOM! An interception!) 23:07, 1 April 2008 (UTC)

25. Support, could be a bit more bald, and have more of a background in porno, but still an excellent candidate. Tim Vickers' sockpuppet account (talk) 22:46, 1 April 2008 (UTC)
26. Strong Support. That reminds me, I almost forgot to make use of my own sock puppet Completely Legitimate Alternate Account^TM. --Barneca sock 1 (talk) 22:50, 1 April 2008 (UTC)

There is no Oppose, or is there? No there is not. Closing Crat/Steward please consider all of these as "supports"

1. Had to switch to oppose; deal not shady enough. Friday (talk) 15:22, 1 April 2008 (UTC)

   Oh crap, did I type that out loud? Uh, you misunderstood what I said earlier. Let me rephrase. I would be incredibly honored if you would be my vice-Jimbo, and accept your proposition. --barneca (talk) 15:25, 1 April 2008 (UTC)

2. Oppose - no mediawiki talk or portal talk edits. Jimboship candidates should be more well-rounded and have exactly 500 edits to every namespace. --B (talk) 15:58, 1 April 2008 (UTC)

   You may wish to reconsider. I know what you did last summer, and I'm not afraid to tell. --barneca (talk) 16:11, 1 April 2008 (UTC)

3. Oppose as Jimbo is a far better candidate. Thanks, SqueakBox 16:07, 1 April 2008 (UTC)

   However, based on term limits, Jimbo is inelegible this term. --barneca (talk) 16:17, 1 April 2008 (UTC)

   Well we can change that, see Álvaro Uribe (who got the Colombian constitution changed to allow him to be re-elected). Thanks, SqueakBox 16:22, 1 April 2008 (UTC)

   I remain unafraid of a 100% open, free and fair election, see Robert Mugabe. --barneca (talk) 16:31, 1 April 2008 (UTC)

   You may regret saying that (if Mugabe loses it could set a precedent). Thanks, SqueakBox 17:30, 1 April 2008 (UTC)

4. Support. Candidate is very good with catching spelling mistakes, which is what matters in this position the most.—Ëzhiki (Igels Hérissonovich Ïzhakoff-Amursky) • (yo?); 17:03, 1 April 2008 (UTC)
5. Oppose per use of word "benevolent" in nomination. "Benevolent" does not meet my personal dictator criteria. Gwguffey (talk) 17:27, 1 April 2008 (UTC)

   Please rest assured that "benevolent" was just a sop thrown to those on the fence. I actually have no plans to be benevolent at all. --barneca (talk) 20:37, 1 April 2008 (UTC)

6. Strong Oppose, does not own an uber-cool, yet functionally worthless yellow Ferrari. This is a must. - Mtmelendez ^(Talk) 17:49, 1 April 2008 (UTC)

   Comment I thought Jimbo drove a Toyota. Thanks, SqueakBox 17:51, 1 April 2008 (UTC)

   Didn't Jimbo own one when he was nominated and elected for Jimboship? You're welcome, - Mtmelendez ^(Talk) 18:03, 1 April 2008 (UTC)

   What in the world mkaes you think I don't have one? Why do you think Jimbo drives a Toyota now? I stole his yellow Ferrari. --barneca (talk) 20:37, 1 April 2008 (UTC)

7. Strong Strong Oppose This is STUPID! ACBestDog and Bone ^{Have I reverted an edit} _{by you, and got it wrong? Tell me!} 18:13, 1 April 2008 (UTC)

   You are now a turtle. Wizardman 18:22, 1 April 2008 (UTC)

   I must say, of everything that has been added to this page today, this made me laugh out loud when I first read it. --barneca (talk) 20:37, 1 April 2008 (UTC)

   Now that is power. Forget jimboship, I want the power to make turtles. And not in that kinky "turtle-breeder" sort of way either. Who has that kind of time? - Philippe 19:21, 1 April 2008 (UTC)

8. Oppose No need for more Jimbos. We already have enough Jimbos, and you haven't demonstrated a need for Jimboship. нмŵוτнτ 18:59, 1 April 2008 (UTC)

   This oppose rationale has been thoroughly discredited. Plus, I do too 'need Jimboship to acheive all my plans. --barneca (talk) 20:37, 1 April 2008 (UTC)

9. Protest oppose — we all know WP:RFJ is broken, so I don't see the utility in using it until it's fixed. --Haemo (talk)

   Why should I be punished because of all the misdeeds of the RfJ regulars? Rather than oppose a good candidate in protest, why not try to improve things: Wikipedia:Request for Comment/Requests for Jimboship? --barneca (talk) 20:37, 1 April 2008 (UTC)

10. MOAR DRHAMA --Rocksanddirt (talk) 19:22, 1 April 2008 (UTC)

    You again? --barneca (talk) 20:37, 1 April 2008 (UTC)

11. Bah. You aren't even part of the cabal. How are you supposed to start a coup? Lead a revolution with the proletariat? bibliomaniac15 Hey you! Stop lazing around and help fix this article instead! 20:50, 1 April 2008 (UTC)

    And what makes you think I am not a member of the cabal? The particular cabal that I am a member of is so much higher up, with so much more power and so much more secrecy, that you don't even know I am pulling your strings. --barneca (talk) 20:53, 1 April 2008 (UTC)

12. Oppose, I view self-noms as prima facie evidence of power hunger. Tim Vickers (talk) 22:12, 1 April 2008 (UTC)

Other

1. Stop this immediately This vote has not been approved by the Process Committee! Mr.Z-man 15:57, 1 April 2008 (UTC)

   I 'did get it approved, but Andjam and EVula oversighted the request for me, so no one else would know how to do it and I would have no competition. --barneca (talk) 16:21, 1 April 2008 (UTC)

2. MOAR DRHAMA --Rocksanddirt (talk) 19:22, 1 April 2008 (UTC)
3. Speedy Merge with Main Page —  scetoaux (T/C) 20:49, 1 April 2008 (UTC)

   I think I am opposed to this idea. It sounds very painful. --barneca (talk) 20:54, 1 April 2008 (UTC)

Vote to Lead the Moscovite Massage Parlor

1. Support so long as candidate double submits all receipts. --Hammersoft (talk) 18:03, 1 April 2008 (UTC)

   Sounds like a tough job, but I'll cowboy up and do my best. --barneca (talk) 20:39, 1 April 2008 (UTC)

2. MOAR DRHAMA Take pictures to submit with receipts please. --Rocksanddirt (talk) 19:22, 1 April 2008 (UTC)

Voting is evil

1. Evil! --Carnildo (talk) 18:36, 1 April 2008 (UTC)

   Hmm, well there are other methods. - Mtmelendez ^(Talk) 18:45, 1 April 2008 (UTC)

   True, and I plan to stop it as soon as I am elected. Once I become Jimbo, I will outlaw any future voting, and will become Jimbo for life! --barneca (talk) 20:42, 1 April 2008 (UTC)

2. MOAR DRHAMA --Rocksanddirt (talk) 19:22, 1 April 2008 (UTC)

   Strongly oppose header, voting is good, long live democracy. Thanks, SqueakBox 19:23, 1 April 2008 (UTC)

3. Evil? How excellent, Then let us vote. Tim Vickers (talk) 22:15, 1 April 2008 (UTC)

Neutral

1. I Can See That There Is Good In All The Points Raised Above Thusly neutral is the only reasonable choice, and anyone who votes differently should be hung, drawn, quartered, set alight, and the remaining crispy bits stomped upon for a very long time. LessHeard vanU (talk) 20:34, 1 April 2008 (UTC)

   I've never voted neutral myself; how does it feel? Is it true it's like kissing your sister? --barneca (talk) 20:44, 1 April 2008 (UTC)

   My sister is, well, physically unappealing. Based on several years of personal experience purely hypothetical analysis, I would say "I hope it's not that bad." John Carter (talk) 20:48, 1 April 2008 (UTC)

   My non-existent sister says that she never kissed you, has photographic evidence of you not kissing her, and is willing to negotiate the transfer of negatives of said images upon a consideration. Kindly note that my position in this is... neutral. LessHeard vanU (talk) 21:01, 1 April 2008 (UTC)

Suppose

• And a strong suppose at that!—Ëzhiki (Igels Hérissonovich Ïzhakoff-Amursky) • (yo?); 23:12, 1 April 2008 (UTC)

The above discussion is preserved as an archive of the discussion. Please do not modify it. Subsequent comments should be made on the appropriate discussion page (such as the talk page of either this nomination or the nominated user). No further edits should be made to this page.