Talk:Your Love (Jamie Principle song)/GA1

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Reviewer: The Rambling Man (talk · contribs) 12:48, 4 September 2021 (UTC)[reply]


Comments

  • "Lisa who he wrote the song about" Lisa, about whom he wrote the song.
Updated. Andrzejbanas (talk) 17:59, 4 September 2021 (UTC)[reply]
  • "where Principle was a frequent visitor" frequently visited by Principle.
Updated. Andrzejbanas (talk) 17:59, 4 September 2021 (UTC)[reply]
  • "Despite not having produced any original music before" no need for "before"
Done. Andrzejbanas (talk) 17:59, 4 September 2021 (UTC)[reply]
  • "Knuckles would take the song and add some small music to" would take -> took. And what is "small music"??!
Rephrased it. Andrzejbanas (talk) 17:59, 4 September 2021 (UTC)[reply]
  • "it to enthusiastic reception" an enthusiastic.
Changed. Andrzejbanas (talk) 17:59, 4 September 2021 (UTC)[reply]
  • "This version of the song..." which is "this" version?
Clarified. This is Knuckles' edit. Andrzejbanas (talk) 17:59, 4 September 2021 (UTC)[reply]
  • "played from tapes" do you mean "cassette tapes"?
I'm assuming cassette tapes? They only just say tapes on the sources. Andrzejbanas (talk) 17:59, 4 September 2021 (UTC)[reply]
  • "being different from later releases" whose later releases?
Basically when the song became publicly available to purchase. I've changed this slightly. Andrzejbanas (talk) 17:59, 4 September 2021 (UTC)[reply]
  • "This version was" which version? the one with the new bassline?
I've clarified this.
  • "The song did not create the wave of house music in Chicago, which did not start... odd so this is a "not" and a "not"... so why?
Rephrased.

That's just the lead. I'll tackle more of this if we can get somewhere with these basic issues on introducing the topic. The Rambling Man (Keep wearing the mask...) 17:20, 4 September 2021 (UTC)[reply]

Apologies. I feel like I always rush intros. I've cleaned it up. Andrzejbanas (talk) 17:59, 4 September 2021 (UTC)[reply]
I'll take a further look in the next few days. The Rambling Man (Keep wearing the mask...) 21:50, 10 September 2021 (UTC)[reply]

Comments

  • "song was made" do you mean "written and performed by"?
I don't like saying produced as it sounds like a technical credit which wouldn't be apt. i've changed to created. Andrzejbanas (talk) 13:04, 17 September 2021 (UTC)[reply]
  • "Principle.[2] Principle" repetitive.
Re-phrased. Andrzejbanas (talk) 13:04, 17 September 2021 (UTC)[reply]
  • "Principle was not homosexual, and" repetitive start to consecutive sentences (might be resolved if you fix my previous comment) and no need to link basic terms like "homosexual".
Fixed, I think. Andrzejbanas (talk) 13:04, 17 September 2021 (UTC)[reply]
  • "He went to college for sound engineering classes" -> "He took sound engineering classes at college"
Fixed. Andrzejbanas (talk) 13:04, 17 September 2021 (UTC)[reply]
  • "favourite" which variant of English are we using here?
Forgive me. i'm Canadian. :) Andrzejbanas (talk) 13:04, 17 September 2021 (UTC)[reply]
  • "which Knuckles owned" he owned.
  • Changed. Andrzejbanas (talk) 13:04, 17 September 2021 (UTC)[reply]
  • "these clubs were "a" they were
Done. Andrzejbanas (talk) 13:04, 17 September 2021 (UTC)[reply]
  • "the Finance industry " why capital F?
No reason. fixed. Andrzejbanas (talk) 13:04, 17 September 2021 (UTC)[reply]
  • "and doing music " this reads very clumsily, can you re-word?
rephrased. Andrzejbanas (talk) 13:04, 17 September 2021 (UTC)[reply]
  • "relationships to remain more focused on making" -> "relationships and more on making"
Changed. 13:04, 17 September 2021 (UTC)
  • "who the subject of the song" became?
Changed. Andrzejbanas (talk) 13:04, 17 September 2021 (UTC)[reply]
  • "that was written just for her" delete.
Agreed. done. Andrzejbanas (talk) 13:04, 17 September 2021 (UTC)[reply]
  • "other credits was" credit.
Done. Andrzejbanas (talk) 13:04, 17 September 2021 (UTC)[reply]
  • "Prior to working with" Before working
Done. Andrzejbanas (talk) 13:04, 17 September 2021 (UTC)[reply]
  • "not attempted to produce" not produced.
Done. Andrzejbanas (talk) 13:04, 17 September 2021 (UTC)[reply]
  • "with his partner" what sort of partner?
I don't believe it's a romantic partner, so i'll say music. Andrzejbanas (talk) 13:04, 17 September 2021 (UTC)[reply]
  • "he didn't" avoid contractions.
Done. Andrzejbanas (talk) 13:04, 17 September 2021 (UTC)[reply]

That's the Production section done. The Rambling Man (Keep wearing the mask...) 15:08, 12 September 2021 (UTC)[reply]

Andrzejbanas coming back to this? The Rambling Man (Keep wearing the mask...) 07:26, 17 September 2021 (UTC)[reply]
The Rambling Man, sorry about that, got a bit distracted this week. I've updated your suggestions. Andrzejbanas (talk) 13:04, 17 September 2021 (UTC)[reply]
  • "Your Love" was played in clubs from tape for over" do you mean cassette?
  • "cassette tape version played that played" needs fixing.
  • "previously done remixing work for hire," rewrite, not professional writing.
  • "italian" Italian.

You know what, I think this needs more help than I can offer at the GAN. I'm asking you to make fundamental and basic corrections to English which I would not expect to have to do at this stage. I suggest you send it to WP:GOCE to get it thoroughly copyedited, and that may take a few weeks to facilitate. I'm sorry but I'll fail this. Once it's copyedited and back up at GAN, drop me a line and I'll happily pick it up again so you don't have a lengthy wait at GAN. The Rambling Man (Keep wearing the mask...) 07:28, 27 September 2021 (UTC)[reply]

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