Talk:Monique Luiz/GA1

GA Review[edit]

The following discussion is closed. Please do not modify it. Subsequent comments should be made on the appropriate discussion page. No further edits should be made to this discussion.

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Reviewer: The Rambling Man (talk · contribs) 18:28, 12 September 2021 (UTC)[reply]

Comments

"starring in the Daisy advertisement, the incumbent president Lyndon B. Johnson's famous re-election campaign ad" not keen on seeing advertisement and ad in the same sentence. Would "starring in the Daisy advertisement, part of the incumbent president Lyndon B. Johnson's re-election campaign." (I also dropped "famous" because that's not required here in an encyclopedia. Same applies to the mention of this in the main body.
- Done, though various reliable sources call "Daisy" a 'famous' or 'most famous' ad. – Kavyansh.Singh (talk) 03:24, 13 September 2021 (UTC)[reply]
"Girl" is a former" comma after Girl".
- Done – Kavyansh.Singh (talk) 03:24, 13 September 2021 (UTC)[reply]
" to U.S. in " to the US in
- Done – Kavyansh.Singh (talk) 03:24, 13 September 2021 (UTC)[reply]
"mother began taking her to" mother took her to
- Done – Kavyansh.Singh (talk) 03:24, 13 September 2021 (UTC)[reply]
counting count counting miscount. Bit repetitive.
- Tried to rephrase – Kavyansh.Singh (talk) 03:24, 13 September 2021 (UTC)[reply]
"of a mushroom clouds of the nuclear explosion, " a mushroom cloud following a nuclear explosion.
- Done – Kavyansh.Singh (talk) 03:24, 13 September 2021 (UTC)[reply]
"one of the most popular and controversial political advertisement" advertisements.
- Done – Kavyansh.Singh (talk) 03:24, 13 September 2021 (UTC)[reply]
In general, I see the words ad, advertisement, commercial etc almost every sentence. I think it could use shaking up a little so it's not so repetitive.
- Tried to make some changes... – Kavyansh.Singh (talk) 03:24, 13 September 2021 (UTC)[reply]
"Luiz and finally returning to the U.S. in" before returning to the US (and don't link United States).
- Done – Kavyansh.Singh (talk) 03:24, 13 September 2021 (UTC)[reply]
"After returning to the U.S. in 1983, " -> "Upon her return,"
- Done – Kavyansh.Singh (talk) 03:24, 13 September 2021 (UTC)[reply]
"the Internet.[8][2] Another" ref order.
- Done – Kavyansh.Singh (talk) 03:24, 13 September 2021 (UTC)[reply]
"position for years" this reads a touch colloquial.
- Removed – Kavyansh.Singh (talk) 03:24, 13 September 2021 (UTC)[reply]
"Her portuguese husband" capital P and no need to link.
- Done – Kavyansh.Singh (talk) 03:24, 13 September 2021 (UTC)[reply]
"at the Phoenix bank" "the" Phoenix bank?
- Removed the definite article – Kavyansh.Singh (talk) 03:24, 13 September 2021 (UTC)[reply]
"unsuccessful presidential campaign against" overlinked.
- Removed the link – Kavyansh.Singh (talk) 03:24, 13 September 2021 (UTC)[reply]
" Trump.[19][1] The" ref order.
- Done – Kavyansh.Singh (talk) 03:24, 13 September 2021 (UTC)[reply]
Some of the See also have already been linked in the article.
- Done – Kavyansh.Singh (talk) 03:24, 13 September 2021 (UTC)[reply]
I don't even understand the relevance of "Doyle Dane Bernbach"?
- Removed. Though DDB has been credited for creating the Daisy ad (along with Tony Schwartz) – Kavyansh.Singh (talk) 03:24, 13 September 2021 (UTC)[reply]

That is all I have. The Rambling Man (Keep wearing the mask...) 19:47, 12 September 2021 (UTC)[reply]

@The Rambling Man – I have tried to address all your concerns. Please let me know if anything else needs to be addressed. Thanks! – Kavyansh.Singh (talk) 07:51, 13 September 2021 (UTC)[reply]

The discussion above is closed. Please do not modify it. Subsequent comments should be made on the appropriate discussion page. No further edits should be made to this discussion.