Talk:King brown snake/GA1

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Reviewer: Dunkleosteus77 (talk · contribs) 19:06, 13 September 2019 (UTC)[reply]

Comments by Dunkleosteus77[edit]

  • "Disturbance in coagulation (coagulopathy) is common" you should probably specify coagulopathy means it's a blood thinner because a disturbance is coagulation can also be taken to mean blood clots (just for the laymen who don’t know what coagulopathy means)   User:Dunkleosteus77 |push to talk  19:06, 13 September 2019 (UTC)[reply]
changed to "impaired coagulation" Cas Liber (talk · contribs) 13:31, 17 September 2019 (UTC)[reply]
you should really stay away from medical terms wherever possible. I recommend “it commonly impedes blood clotting (coagulopathy)” or “it commonly acts as a blood thinner (coagulopathy)” or “commonly impedes coagulation which promotes bleeding”. Also remember to change the phrasing in the lead   User:Dunkleosteus77 |push to talk  14:48, 17 September 2019 (UTC)[reply]
good point - changed x 2 Cas Liber (talk · contribs) 08:42, 18 September 2019 (UTC)[reply]
removed the sentence - pretty obvious what it means anyway. Cas Liber (talk · contribs) 13:39, 17 September 2019 (UTC)[reply]
added who Cas Liber (talk · contribs) 07:06, 14 September 2019 (UTC)[reply]
aligned Cas Liber (talk · contribs) 07:06, 14 September 2019 (UTC)[reply]
there was evidence it was declining or uncommon before the cane toads came (they are sweeping slowly across northern australia) Cas Liber (talk · contribs) 07:06, 14 September 2019 (UTC)[reply]
  • Do you have to specify "when administered subcutaneously"? It's snake venom, that's really the only way it would be administered   User:Dunkleosteus77 |push to talk  19:06, 13 September 2019 (UTC)[reply]
In experiments they administer it in different ways (intramuscular etc.) but conclude that subcutaneously is most like what would happen in a snakebite. Cas Liber (talk · contribs) 13:15, 15 September 2019 (UTC)[reply]
  • "Symptoms of muscle damage (myotoxicity)" that makes it sound like the medical term for muscle damage is myotoxicity   User:Dunkleosteus77 |push to talk  19:06, 13 September 2019 (UTC)[reply]
switched, which seems to fix ambiguity Cas Liber (talk · contribs) 07:08, 14 September 2019 (UTC)[reply]
  • "King brown snake venom has some haemolytic activity and some patients get a transient anaemia (typified by a fall in serum haemoglobin)" I think this sentence is more medical than it needs to. How about, "King brown snake venom has some haemolytic activity and can cause red blood cells to rupture, which can lead to anemia"   User:Dunkleosteus77 |push to talk  19:06, 13 September 2019 (UTC)[reply]
Normally wouldn’t push for this but it’s really overly complicated as it stands. I don’t know why you’d say “serum haemoglobin” instead of just “haemoglobin” since the serum haemoglobin test measures the amount of hemoglobin in your blood. I also don’t know why you’d use “transient” instead of “short-term”
I guess I use the word "transient" commonly so don't see it as jargon, but take you point (changed). agree "serum" is unnecessary in this case and removed. Not sure how to insert "red cell rupture" without it sounding clunky. It is bluelinked... Cas Liber (talk · contribs)
”King brown snake venom can cause red blood cells to rupture (hemolysis), which can lead to short-term anemia.” You don’t need to say typified by a fall in hemoglobin because it serves to explain what anemia is, and the people who would understand that would already know what anemia is. If you want to explain what anemia is to laymen, say something like “a fall in blood cell count”   User:Dunkleosteus77 |push to talk  14:48, 17 September 2019 (UTC)[reply]
last comment   User:Dunkleosteus77 |push to talk  22:24, 18 September 2019 (UTC)[reply]
fair point and done Cas Liber (talk · contribs) 00:04, 19 September 2019 (UTC)[reply]
added now - wasn't sure how much detail to go into Cas Liber (talk · contribs) 02:45, 17 September 2019 (UTC)[reply]
  • "They are regarded as straightforward to keep, due to the relatively low toxicity of their venom and low likelihood of biting" vs "Snakes of Medical Importance include those with highly dangerous venom resulting in high rates of morbidity and mortality"   User:Dunkleosteus77 |push to talk  19:06, 13 September 2019 (UTC)[reply]
Yeah...I guess the author of the book was a little cavalier. Technically their venom is alot less potent (though they inject alot more of it). The word "relaitvely" is an important qualifier, though I reckon I'd be going to the ER if I was bitten by one. My dilemma is if I remove the poison bit then I am changing the basis of the conclusion.... Cas Liber (talk · contribs) 13:42, 15 September 2019 (UTC)[reply]
You can specify it’s especially deadly because of the high dosage the snake injects   User:Dunkleosteus77 |push to talk  04:26, 17 September 2019 (UTC)[reply]
done Cas Liber (talk · contribs) 12:53, 17 September 2019 (UTC)[reply]
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