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"Based in Hornby Castle, he was originally retained by his patron…" - New section, new para, new noun.
"By 1465, he was Steward of the Honour of Richmondshire and was being retained" - I'd remove the American comma here. The article is about a British subject, therefore should be authored in BrEng. Also, did Sir John become the Steward, or Richard?
"By 1465, he was Steward of the Honour of Richmondshire and was being retained, along with his brothers William and Richard, by Salisbury's son and successor as regional magnate, the earl of Warwick, for which he received £13 6s. 8d. " -- Overly long for comfortable reading; could this be chopped and spliced somewhere?
"...raising his 'Wensleydale connection, and possibly even being the ringleader, 'Robin of Redesdale.' -- What are the purposes of the singular inverts? Who said this?
"After Edward's successful return to power in 1471 he was a Justice of the Peace for Yorkshire's North Riding" -- "he" who? Edward or Sir John?
A loyal retainer and probable ducal councillor of Edward's brother, Richard, Duke of Gloucester, later King Richard III, (who retained him for £20 annually) he was made a knight of the body, at 200 marks per annum annuity" -- I think we need to mention Sir John a bit more where there are more than two names within each sentence. If Sir John appears only once in a sentence, then the next sentence would warrant a pronoun. Also, we are clashing a parenthesis with a comma here. I'd play safe and use a serial comma.
Is there a reason why "per annum" is in itals?
"where he was very active on local commissions." -- Be consistent between singular and double inverts. I, and most others who I know, prefer doubles, but I appreciate this is as stylistic preference.
"a position that has been called 'particularly significant' -- By who?
Michael Hicks could do with an introducer to stop the forcing off this page onto another to find this information out. CassiantoTalk 01:58, 30 August 2016 (UTC)[reply]
